Oh.

Posted on by whatareyoudoin

The word ‘oh’ gets tossed around a lot these days. Sure, not as much as her older brother ‘ooh,’ and certainly not as much as the troublesome cousin ‘oooh’ but, if you ask me, I think it’s high time we gave the classic ‘oh’ a bit more respect.

Where would we be without ‘oh?’ What would we say when we wanted a word that could apply to any situation and that we can impart any tone to in order to make it positive (‘oh’), negative (‘oh’), or even mildly surprised (‘oh’)? What would we say when we have to acknowledge something but offer zero actual feedback and instead just kind of say ‘yeh… I heard the information you provided?’

‘Oh’ does not bring the drama of ‘ooh,’ nor the sexual magnetism of ‘oooh’ but damn it if it’s not the most versatile syllable going. Oh no. Oh yes. Oh my. Oh? Oh… do go on. Oh boy. Oh damn. Oh I see. Double oh seven.
So next time you’re not sure what to say… maybe give ‘oh’ the old college try.

A Man with a Van

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Hello. I am a man and I have a van. Not the shoes. I need to make this perfectly clear. I do not own one singular shoe from the brand Vans. I believe one singular Vans shoe is called a Vans and not a Van. Because the brand is called Vans and so you don’t drop the ‘S.’

Anyway, I am a man with a van. Please understand. If you are, perchance, a modern chap or chapette and are making use of a text-to-speech software, when i say ‘van’ I am not referring to the french word for wine. This ‘vin,’ although similar in sound to the ‘van’ I refer to is entirely… ENTIRELY… irrelevant to the type of van I am referring to. I am NOT a man with a vin. Well actually, as I write this I do have a white wine, obviously, but I would never refer to that glass as a vin.

So, to summarise thus far, I do not have a Vans-branded shoe, I do have a vin but I am not talking about that, and I have a van. The vin I have is a white vin. The van I have is also a white van but it is a different van.

Ned Flanders: The Mo-diddly-otion Picture – A Review

Posted on by whatareyoudoin

The year of 2022 will be remembered for three important events, the invasion of Ukraine by Putin’s forces, the end of covid 19 as a thing people really cared about, and the second edition to The Simpsons Cinematic Universe in the form of ‘Ned Flanders: The Mo-diddly-otion Picture.’

Like many readers out there, when I first heard that everybody’s favourite neighbourino was getting his own movie, I too thought ‘about god damn doodly time. Why did they take so long to get on the Ned train?’

I was personally quite shocked that they made a film about The Simpson family before they focused on the Flanders flock. I mean we go to the movies to see aspirational characters, do we not? We want to see the Incredible Hulk, not the Average American Hulk, am I right? Yes, yes I am.

Anywho, the film in question sees the titular Ned having a crisis of faith when his eldest son, Rod or Tod (I forget which) converts to Islam. This creates fantastic conflict within Ned as his religious beliefs are brought into direct opposition with his moral beliefs regarding freedom of religion and acceptance of others. It’s a notion of great importance to modern life and something I have never seen executed quite so brilliantly as in this picture.

There is one sequence in the film that stands out above all others and, once seen, will likely make all other films obsolete. The sequence sees Ned being crucified alone on a mountain top, fully nude I might add, and expressing his deepest thoughts and feelings to the gathered crowd in the form of a 90s style rap.

This scene rounds out the emotional arc of the film culminating in the all time greatest piece of dialogue ever ‘I guess now we know why they call them cruci-fixes and not cruci-brokens, huh Rod?’

And with that we fade out and are left in sombre quite as the credits roll. Ned won’t be returning to our screen any time soon but after such a motion picture it’s certain he will never leave our hearts.

A Man walks into a Bar

Posted on by whatareyoudoin

and the Barman asks ‘what are your opinions on the works of Nietzsche?’

The Man replies ‘I find it difficult to follow the narrative flow of his…’

‘Well that’s not exactly the point of his work now, is it?’ Interrupts the Barman, rudely, you might say.

43 ways to win 43 very specific arguments.

Posted on by whatareyoudoin

Losing an argument with a friend, frenemy, or foe? Got that nagging feeling that you’re wrong but obviously you’re not going to admit it at this point in the debate? Angry at the world and just want to watch it all come crumbling down?

Well have we got the solution for you. These are 43 sure fire ways to win any argument, so long as those arguments are these very specific arguments.

Let’s break it down.

Politics – The great divider

1. Arguing with someone about Brexit? Simply say, regardless of your stance or theirs… ‘Brexit? More like Bregshit…’ They won’t have any response. Game over.

2. Arguing against fascism? Simply say ‘Fascism? More like Fasshitsm…’ They will walk away in shame and defeat.

3. And if you dislike the chinese leaders of old then then maybe you could utter ‘Mao Zedong? More like Mao Shit Dong.’ That’ll show them. Don’t worry we’re moving on from shit now… things are going to get pretty impressive.

4. Arguing against communism? Simply say ‘Communism? More like commyourmumism.’ They will be both shocked and appalled. You Win.

5. Is your Foe a supporter of Secession from 1850s USA? … ‘The Confederacy? More like the confederacey.’ Because the issues are about slavery and not states rights you see.

Celebrities – Quickfire now, you’ll get the idea of when and where to use these little gems.

6. Jeff Goldblum? More like Jeff Mouldblum.

7. Kim Kardashian? More like Kim Kard-ass-ian.

8. Bradley Cooper? More like Bradley Pooper.

9. Buzz Aldrin? More like Buzz Baldrin.

10. Emilio Estevez? More like Emilio Sheen.

11. Mark Ruffalo? More like Mark Roughandlow.

12. Seth Macfarlane? More like Seth Macfarlame.

13. George Clooney? More like George Pooney.

14. Paul Rudd? More like Paul Would fuck a child. That one may be a bit far. Maybe. I like Paul Rudd too.

15. Seth Rogen? More like Seth Nogen.

16. James Franco? More like James Nothankyo.

17. ‘Morgan Freeman? More like Morgan Treeman… cos he loves trees maybe I dunno fuck you.’ That’ll show ’em.

18. ‘Martin Freeman? More like Martin Treeman… cos he loves trees maybe I dunno fuck you.’ This will work just as well as the Morgan Freeman one so long as you have not also used the Morgan Freeman zinger against this person. If so, you should not use this as they would suspect you have had argument coaching from a source such as this and they would therefore think you weak and perhaps insane.

19. ‘Morgan Freeman? More like Morgan Kneeman… because he’s a legman, a fancier of a ladies legs, didn’t you know? And especially, specifically, principally, the knees. He loves the knees he does. He’s mad for a cap, a bending joint of a lower limb, a hinging point of a healthy hindquarter (not ideal phrasing of course but certainly the hindquarter of a 4 legged mammal would equate to the legs of a human if anything were capable of equating fairly.)’ None of which is true but lies are often a good way to provide the impression that you are privy to greater knowledge. They will become afraid and they will run from you quite literally.

20. ‘Martin Freeman? More like Martin Kneeman… because he’s a legman, a fancier of ladies legs etc.’ Again, perhaps more so, don’t say this if you have said the same thing of Morgan Freeman already. Also don’t say the ‘etc,’ instead say what I said to say about Morgan Freeman but say it about Martin Freeman. They’re easily transferable because they have the same last name.

Music – The Dead Artform that was never that good anyway

21. ‘Music? More like Poosic.’ They will be shocked and appalled.

22. ‘Coldplay? More like Mouldplay.’ No, no… we don’t go that other more obvious way. We’re above that, despite how clearly and validly it applies.

23. ‘Dua Lipa? More like Eww ahhh! Lipa.’

24. ‘Dua Lipa? More like a random woman who cannot sing particularly well, a quality I wouldn’t hold against the average person, so long as they didn’t claim it as a profession.’

25. Dua Lipa? More like Pooa Lipa.

26. Ed Sheeran? More like Ed Mereman. For he too, one day, will die.’

27. Kanye West? More like Kanye Rest.’ And then make clear that you wish for him to have a little rest from his demanding and unclear lifestyle.

28. ‘Eminem? More like M&Ms.’

29. ‘The XX? More like the ex-XX.’ Because are they still a thing? I dunno. I assume not.

31. ‘David Bowie? More like David No-ee’ unless you pronounce it ‘Bow (as in bending over not the weapon, how the hell do you spell that out phonetically… just ‘B-ow’ maybe?) ee…’ in which case instead say ‘Ziggy Stardust? More like Ziggy Nahdust.’

Movies & TV – The Final Frontier if we’d stopped finding frontiers in the 50s.

32. ‘The Godfather Part II? More like the Godfather Part Poo.’ They’ll cry later that night and then for several days afterwards.

33. Iron Man 2? More like Iron Man Poo.’ That will put those nerds and man children in their place.

34. Deadpool 2? More like Dead Poo-L Poo.’ They will likely be an idiot if they are contrary to this sentiment and so will probably be impressed by this. They won’t know whether to support their silly film or your silly sentence.

35. ‘5 children and It? More like 5 children and shit.’ This is rare conversation to have but it would be amusing.

36. ‘Back to the Future? More like Back to the Pooture.’ Boom!

37. ‘Game of Thrones? More like Shame of Shrones.’ Whack!

38. ‘Line of Duty? More like Line of Pooty.’ Thwang!

39. ‘Doctor Who? More like Doctor No thank you very much.’ Shadockie!

40. ‘Futurama? More like the Zapp Brannigan and Zoidberg show.’ I enjoy Zapp and Zoidberg and firmly believe they should have their own spinoff where they solve crimes.

41. ‘It? More like Shit.’ Karango!

42. ‘It: Chapter 2? More like Shit: Chapter Poo.’ Zero coming back from this one.

43. ‘The Queen’s Gambit? More like The Queen’s Gamshit.’ Kalarombo!



You’re welcome. Now go away.

Jennifer Caniston – The World’s 2nd best source for information relating to the amount of cans Hollywood actress Jennifer Aniston can slug back in a single sesh.

Posted on by whatareyoudoin

This week… she got pretty far gone with 13 cans but I still think she could have handled more. Tune in next time to see if she can handle a 14th Fosters. Yes, she likes Fosters as her beer of choice. Fosters did not pay us to say that, it’s just a fact. Fosters is shit. There, now you know they didn’t pay us to say that.